Start Another Story

It's already time to start another story. I'm getting worse at this blogging thing as time goes on again but I am gonna try to get back in it now before I let my thoughts over whelm me again. I let the lash fish go. There are plenty more in the sea and honestly there are already a few circling around me ready to bite the bait if I put it out there. Yesterday I tested the water and got a nibble, but not sure if I am ready to really cast that line out to sea again. Either way I know that if I had kept hold of the last fish things would be going worse than they already are. I'm afraid to say they wrong thing and him end up hating me and ruining our friendship but at the same time I fell like the tiptoeing around has me more unstable than if I had just let the storm rage on. I have so many mixed feeling running though me right now it isn't even funny and the fact that the biggest commercialized day for couples is literally a week away while my brain is in this frenzy is just not helping one bit. I miss the companionship of a relationship and the easy going not having a care in the world just being happy for once that I have felt before, but I don't know if I am ready to put the work in to get to that point. I had something "awesome" even though looking back it really wasn't -that- "awesome" but it came easy and felt right other than glitches here and there. I tried again and something wasn't right in the balance. Almost like I put the wrong foot forward and never could get back into the right rhythm to keep it going. I don't know where to go or what to think right now. I am over #2 this I know I don't want him back I just miss what I thought I had found in him. #3 I just don't know. I don't want to be with him but I fear I jumbled up too many strands while I tried to jump in to fast and then scrambled to get back to where I could float. Someone interrupted my train of thought maybe I can find it again later...

To Be Or Not To Be

I'm so torn right now and it all leads back to the emotions bubbling up inside of me. And it SUCKS. I've told boy about them and he says to shut my brain out of the conversation and just let my heart do the talking for a bit but sadly I'm not sure he realizes its the heart that is causing the problem. There are feelings there for him, I care about him, there is no more denying that than the fact that IRL I have curly hair. But, I also have fears and while my brain says look you've known him for 2 months you cant possibly know everything about him give him a chance let him show his colors my heart is saying but look there is so little there to build off of. 4 weeks ago I decided to finally give in and get in the canoe, but now I realize I got in the boat and forgot my paddle and there is no easy way back to shore. I thought yeah let's face my fears and let someone in again after weeks of him trying to get me to join him in the canoe. Now I'm here with no paddle floating circles in my brain and trying to decide how to fix it. Do I jump off the boat? Swim back to shore where I know it is safe and leave him in the boat floating out there? Do I stay on the boat and let it see where it takes? Go along for the ride, it can't be that bad right? My sister the other morning looked at me and went you're not as happy what's up and I kinda shrugged and she said its still the new boy again isn't it and I kinda nodded and said idk what to do and she suggested talking to him. The fact that she saw that and it is that obvious scares me. I tried talking to him it lead to many tears and him fighting so hard to keep me at least to give him more of a chance, but I'm not sure its something he can do or fix. He doesn't want to lose me as a friend and I get that, he is cool I would still not mind talking to him or hanging out with him, but I don't have the best record of being able to do that with a guy in the past. Plus I know how much it would hurt him. He couldn't make himself stop calling my baby even when he knew I needed him to step back to let me think. He said the thing that would hurt him most would be to put on a front and act like everything was awesome if it wasn't so I'm trying not to put on a front but it is hard. I don't want to hurt him, but at times, like right this moment, I think that staying with him might be killing off a little piece of me. And he brings out a side of me I've never seen before. I get rather mean and talk down to him almost. He calls me sassy and says he likes it. I think about it and feel like a cruel bitch. And I can't help but do it. I've tried to sit there holding my tongue and it only works as long as I keep compleate focus, then I lose focus and there goes another rather cutting remark. It isn't the person I've prided myself on being and is scares me. As his roommate points out I could take him. He is the giant teddy bear I want but without the protective side to guard me. He wants a gun but doesn't own one, doesn't have his concealed carry permit. I can walk all over him and he doesn't lift a finger or if he tries I twitch a muscle and that finger is already pinned down. I know I by no means have my life in order the way I want it, but he has 5 years on me and all that he can say he has over me is that he is actually moved out of his parents house. I have the degree, I have the better paying crappy retail job, I have more financial stability than him. But he has a plan, he wants to improve, I have a half concocted scheme and no balls to go along with it. Someone want to toss me a paddle?

Also he sends me this and honestly it adds to my stress of wtf do I do, because words, emotions, pain, all of the feels I don't want to cause are going to come bubbling up to attack.

And these songs are as close as I could find to expressing even half of these emotions right now.

Roar

Third song in  my styling challenge! Roar by Katy Perry. I have probably watched the music video for this song too many times but hey its still awesome! Photo time!

And the music video because I have to share that too!

A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Sometimes just when I think my brain is about to drain out my ears my friends catch it and shove it back in and all of a sudden everything becomes clear. I was dating a wolf. I thought there for a few months he was a sheep, but I was sorely mistaken. I am not someone to be used and tossed aside and he showed his teeth tonight. He straight up said that if the relationship had continued he would have just been using me and then continued to offer to keep using me just without the title of his girlfriend. Thanks for thinking of me but no thanks. At this point I am numb. I was sobbing there for a bit. And I was furious that I was crying over him. Now I'm just sitting here laughing because the wool isn't over my eyes anymore and I think after a bit more healing I can finally move on. Anyways I'm over this topic I've exhausted it in my brain, wrapped my head around it and shoved it in time out so I will leave you with my theme song for the night.

Fighter

Second picture taken for the challenge! The song for this picture is Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Whenever I think of fighting for some reason ally-cats come to the forefront of my mind. They are skilled in their craft to survive on the streets and they know how to pull on heartstrings when they need to to get what they want. Plus they are cats they always land on their feet and have the attitude to back themselves up.

And the video in case you don't know the song...

Titanium

So my friend Vasha has given me a challenge to do a pictorial post for 10 songs that have a positive self message. Now if you understand where my self esteem lies this challenge makes total sense to you especially since I rely heavily on others to boost myself up and I need to work on learning how to keep myself up and not let boys and my outer "beauty" effect how I see myself. So the first song that I have completed the assignment for is Titanium by David Guetta. Here is my photo.

Now for those of you that aren't familiar with the song...

I really do love this song and it has been my ringtone for awhile, I just never let to words sink into my skin and give me the message I needed to hear.

What Now?

So I'm back from my vacation and I think I'm more lost now that I was when I left. Luckily I have friends that will pick me up when I'm like this and honestly one of them keeps saying the words that finally strike a chord in my brain and make me realize things. The ones that rang true just now really stand out to me and hopefully will be a good reminder to help me keep going now while I try to re sort my shit out. " I know sometimes you think that those of us who love you say things because we have to. But you might consider that those things are the reasons we love you." For some reason my brain never considered this rewording and I may never have said it aloud, but yeah half the times my friends say stuff I think in my head "yeah your my friend that's the script". Even though if I think about it I say similar things to some of them with the same intent that this friend has. I speak the truth and it gets brushed off like I'm saying it because it's the required script and in reality it isn't it is what I really wanted to say.

So what brings all of this up to the surface right now? The cruise had me seeing both sides of the results of the breakup. The "Fuck why can't I say he is mine anymore?" and the "Maybe this is for the better after all side." Five days in close quarters lets you see many facets of people that you might now see otherwise. But after all of this I still have the feeling of pain that comes form being broken up with, especially when given a reason totally outside of your own control when you thought everything was fine. Well after the cruise on the long drive back I decided to reactivate my profile on the site where I had met my ex. This is going fine for me I have been talking to a few people and am trying to move on and accept the fact that my ex doesn't have the ability to date right now because of his own self so instead of waiting around for him to possibly beg me back I am planning to move on. Then today I go to check my message on the site and his profile shows up in my "recent visitors". Why would a guy who broke up with someone because he needed to work on himself and figure his shit out be back on a dating site? Apparently he reactivated it on a whim to see if it was even still there. Well this lead to me having a slight breakdown tonight in which I ended up confronting him about what the break up has actually done to me. How the pain stems more form the fact that I got "Friend Zoned" and a 10 foot wall built because he got depressed and doesn't want to drag me along when in reality I would rather be there helping to support him instead of trying to reassure him around a wall. Getting "Friend Zoned" because he was no longer attracted to me would probably hurt less because of my personality and how much I CARE about those people I chose to associate with. Even to this day I still care about people that have hurt me so much I want them to burn in hell but that piece of me still hopes they are doing alright and wishes them well.

Anyways, I'm rambling again and am losing this long winded train of thought so I shall wrap this up in a neat little bow. I have awesome friends that tell me how it is even if I try to pretend they are just telling me what I want'need to hear instead of the actual truth. And I got a weight off of my chest with my Ex today telling him exactly how I feel. I want him back, but I know that I can't expect that any time soon and that I won't just go running back to him the moment he tries to tug me back. That was a blow to me that if he didn't realize he would hit that nerve he doesn't know me as well as he should/thought he did. Okay song time.

 And then the one that my uber smart friend I keep quoting picked for me.