What Now?

So I'm back from my vacation and I think I'm more lost now that I was when I left. Luckily I have friends that will pick me up when I'm like this and honestly one of them keeps saying the words that finally strike a chord in my brain and make me realize things. The ones that rang true just now really stand out to me and hopefully will be a good reminder to help me keep going now while I try to re sort my shit out. " I know sometimes you think that those of us who love you say things because we have to. But you might consider that those things are the reasons we love you." For some reason my brain never considered this rewording and I may never have said it aloud, but yeah half the times my friends say stuff I think in my head "yeah your my friend that's the script". Even though if I think about it I say similar things to some of them with the same intent that this friend has. I speak the truth and it gets brushed off like I'm saying it because it's the required script and in reality it isn't it is what I really wanted to say.

So what brings all of this up to the surface right now? The cruise had me seeing both sides of the results of the breakup. The "Fuck why can't I say he is mine anymore?" and the "Maybe this is for the better after all side." Five days in close quarters lets you see many facets of people that you might now see otherwise. But after all of this I still have the feeling of pain that comes form being broken up with, especially when given a reason totally outside of your own control when you thought everything was fine. Well after the cruise on the long drive back I decided to reactivate my profile on the site where I had met my ex. This is going fine for me I have been talking to a few people and am trying to move on and accept the fact that my ex doesn't have the ability to date right now because of his own self so instead of waiting around for him to possibly beg me back I am planning to move on. Then today I go to check my message on the site and his profile shows up in my "recent visitors". Why would a guy who broke up with someone because he needed to work on himself and figure his shit out be back on a dating site? Apparently he reactivated it on a whim to see if it was even still there. Well this lead to me having a slight breakdown tonight in which I ended up confronting him about what the break up has actually done to me. How the pain stems more form the fact that I got "Friend Zoned" and a 10 foot wall built because he got depressed and doesn't want to drag me along when in reality I would rather be there helping to support him instead of trying to reassure him around a wall. Getting "Friend Zoned" because he was no longer attracted to me would probably hurt less because of my personality and how much I CARE about those people I chose to associate with. Even to this day I still care about people that have hurt me so much I want them to burn in hell but that piece of me still hopes they are doing alright and wishes them well.

Anyways, I'm rambling again and am losing this long winded train of thought so I shall wrap this up in a neat little bow. I have awesome friends that tell me how it is even if I try to pretend they are just telling me what I want'need to hear instead of the actual truth. And I got a weight off of my chest with my Ex today telling him exactly how I feel. I want him back, but I know that I can't expect that any time soon and that I won't just go running back to him the moment he tries to tug me back. That was a blow to me that if he didn't realize he would hit that nerve he doesn't know me as well as he should/thought he did. Okay song time.

 And then the one that my uber smart friend I keep quoting picked for me.