One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I've been keeping busy the past 2 weeks and there is a bit of catching up to do and getting all of my thoughts out of my head. So I am single and I finally got him to come over and TALK to me. This ended in the same story that I was getting in text and continuing to prove that we can have fun and work together well because he started to help me with the puzzle I was working on to keep me moving while I waited for him to get here for the talk. There were no words at first then the flood of tears hit and I got him to tell me that it was 100% him and not me to my face. So that was useful. And I was driving an hour away to work and had to drive by his house to get there. That wasn't fun. That was purely torture, as was the one time I was carpooling up there and instead of taking the route by my Ex's apartment we took the other route, except my ride was literally on the phone with his girlfriend for the hour drive. Oh yeah and he randomly decided that he needed another vacation and thus is currently on a boat doing a five day cruise two weeks before ours. I forgot to mention that when he came over he kept asking to make sure I was going on the cruise with him still because he was really looking forward to going with me. I can't tel if his I need to work on me line is just his excuses to break up with me or if he is really so confused about so many things that he actually needed to take a step back. I miss him. This is hard. We were still talking everyday. Now I get to go cold turkey for 5 days and not talk to him at all then pick it all up and go on a cruise with him in twelve days. I will be cut off form the outside world stuck on a boat with him for FIVE whole days and then the car ride each way which is something like 10 hours if I remember right. Sure I can go get lost on the boat but I still have to come back to the same room as him at the end of the day. But yeah I got that off my chest and now I will share the song that played on the radio tonight at work that started these emotions back to the surface after I had smothered them for as long as I did.

And because this song is what came to mind when trying to title this post...

Okay that is it for tonight I think.

Two Roads Diverged...

And I can't decide between the two. One is the path of non-acceptance, where I tell him that this is not an acceptable decision and that I won't let him go. I want to take this path but I don't want to force myself on him and cause bad feelings down the road. The other is the path where I let him go, and right now my head and my heart say that this isn't acceptable either. This causes such a conflict that I feel hollow when I think about it. The tears won't hardly fall anymore I have become so numb because of this conflict inside myself. So, I think I am going to try to walk this middle ground until it gets to the point that I can't possibly take it anymore. He knows how I feel that I still care and want him back, at least right now, but that I also know I can't force him and I know he needs time to work on himself and figure things out. I am trying to take the friend route but I already don't like the friend zone. But, at least in the friend zone I know I have footing and support. This blows, but at least I'm not a 'Wreaking Ball', and they say "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

I'm Not Okay...I Promise

Well today sucks. What would have been 7 months turned out to be the end. I'm still partially in shock. I was kinda expecting it but after Tuesday I had let myself get my hopes up and then it hit me like a slap in the face today. I still love him. Over the past week I have started to smother those feelings for fear this would happen, but still it is a shock and something I just wasn't prepared for. This hurts and with my vacation I planned with him that I refuse to give up a month away I at least have some time to heal before being stuck in the same room with him on a boat for 5 days but I'm not even sure I will be ready for that. I want to express myself but right now i feel hallow and numb so I can't even do that. All that I know I can easily do right now is sob and try to understand why and even that baffles me. Hopefully I can figure this out in the mean time I have great friends that will check in on me and make sure I haven't done anything stupid while I sit here in my padded cell trying not to let my mind tear apart my world more so than my world has already torn itself apart.

Steady As She Goes

So tonight was not as bad as I expected, but it still didn't do much to help my brain. Everything almost felt normal except where I wasn't letting it, because I was holding myself back because I am scared of getting hurt. Everything feels like it should except I can't help shaking the possibility of me getting hurt so I am refusing to believe that everything is gonna be okay in-case it isn't. I don't know how I SHOULD feel. All I know is that when I let my guard down and got close to him it felt right, I just then freaked out and put my walls up so that I didn't get hurt. I cannot wait until I can have a proper answer either way because I am tired of playing emotional tug of war with myself to keep myself in line and not demand things of him that I shouldn't. Here is to hoping this turmoil I am facing within ends soon.

Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full?

Today I feel hollow and I really cant decide how I feel. I know it is because I have my emotions locked away right now as I try not to jump to conclusions one way or the other with what will happen with my relationship. Still I don't like this feeling and can't quite decide what to do or how to act. I shut down a part of me as I try to wait this out and get through it I just don't like doing that, but at times like this I have to. I have one more day of work then my "date night" with him and I am off for 2 days where I only have to hide my emotions to my parents and they won't be around most of it and then I can busy myself with cleaning and keep myself in a constant state of motion without fear of my emotions causing backlash in some other way at work. Then my Grandma that I haven't seen in I want to say 8 years comes into town and hopefully if things aren't resolved by then I can at least use that as a distraction so that I don't have to hide my emotions because I'm not thinking about them they will just be happening as I spend time with her and don't have time to myself to dwell on what may or may not be. Either way if you are reading this please cross your fingers for me that I can make it through this with my sanity, and that "date night" tomorrow doesn't feel as awkward as I am expecting it to.

Welcome To My Padded Cell

So I've tried this before and it helped, but I fell out of the habit and the memoirs from before don't need to mingle with my problems now; so I made this shiny new outlet to express myself and my feelings, and try to get myself back on an emotionally -stable- track, whatever that is. So let me go ahead and get right to the start of things. Depression sucks and right now I'm knee deep in it. My love life is questionable at the moment, and while I have awesome friends that support me they can't really replace the rock I thought I had that is currently shaking and threatening to dislodge itself from its current position to fall lower on the pile of things important to me. I don't want this and I'm not sure my rock does either but I can't change it only my rock can and Mr. Rock is so confused right now I don't think he entirely knows what he is doing. But enough of putting the cart before the horse or however that saying goes. I know I need to focus on the now and not the "What Ifs" I have good friends that have told me that enough times tonight for it to stick, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Without my friends I would have already collapsed into an inconsolable ball in the corner of my cell hissing and screaming at anyone that tried to come near me. Either way I will let one thing carry over and that is the video(s) to match my mood in the posts because sometimes songs explain what I am feeling better than I can.