Start Another Story

It's already time to start another story. I'm getting worse at this blogging thing as time goes on again but I am gonna try to get back in it now before I let my thoughts over whelm me again. I let the lash fish go. There are plenty more in the sea and honestly there are already a few circling around me ready to bite the bait if I put it out there. Yesterday I tested the water and got a nibble, but not sure if I am ready to really cast that line out to sea again. Either way I know that if I had kept hold of the last fish things would be going worse than they already are. I'm afraid to say they wrong thing and him end up hating me and ruining our friendship but at the same time I fell like the tiptoeing around has me more unstable than if I had just let the storm rage on. I have so many mixed feeling running though me right now it isn't even funny and the fact that the biggest commercialized day for couples is literally a week away while my brain is in this frenzy is just not helping one bit. I miss the companionship of a relationship and the easy going not having a care in the world just being happy for once that I have felt before, but I don't know if I am ready to put the work in to get to that point. I had something "awesome" even though looking back it really wasn't -that- "awesome" but it came easy and felt right other than glitches here and there. I tried again and something wasn't right in the balance. Almost like I put the wrong foot forward and never could get back into the right rhythm to keep it going. I don't know where to go or what to think right now. I am over #2 this I know I don't want him back I just miss what I thought I had found in him. #3 I just don't know. I don't want to be with him but I fear I jumbled up too many strands while I tried to jump in to fast and then scrambled to get back to where I could float. Someone interrupted my train of thought maybe I can find it again later...

To Be Or Not To Be

I'm so torn right now and it all leads back to the emotions bubbling up inside of me. And it SUCKS. I've told boy about them and he says to shut my brain out of the conversation and just let my heart do the talking for a bit but sadly I'm not sure he realizes its the heart that is causing the problem. There are feelings there for him, I care about him, there is no more denying that than the fact that IRL I have curly hair. But, I also have fears and while my brain says look you've known him for 2 months you cant possibly know everything about him give him a chance let him show his colors my heart is saying but look there is so little there to build off of. 4 weeks ago I decided to finally give in and get in the canoe, but now I realize I got in the boat and forgot my paddle and there is no easy way back to shore. I thought yeah let's face my fears and let someone in again after weeks of him trying to get me to join him in the canoe. Now I'm here with no paddle floating circles in my brain and trying to decide how to fix it. Do I jump off the boat? Swim back to shore where I know it is safe and leave him in the boat floating out there? Do I stay on the boat and let it see where it takes? Go along for the ride, it can't be that bad right? My sister the other morning looked at me and went you're not as happy what's up and I kinda shrugged and she said its still the new boy again isn't it and I kinda nodded and said idk what to do and she suggested talking to him. The fact that she saw that and it is that obvious scares me. I tried talking to him it lead to many tears and him fighting so hard to keep me at least to give him more of a chance, but I'm not sure its something he can do or fix. He doesn't want to lose me as a friend and I get that, he is cool I would still not mind talking to him or hanging out with him, but I don't have the best record of being able to do that with a guy in the past. Plus I know how much it would hurt him. He couldn't make himself stop calling my baby even when he knew I needed him to step back to let me think. He said the thing that would hurt him most would be to put on a front and act like everything was awesome if it wasn't so I'm trying not to put on a front but it is hard. I don't want to hurt him, but at times, like right this moment, I think that staying with him might be killing off a little piece of me. And he brings out a side of me I've never seen before. I get rather mean and talk down to him almost. He calls me sassy and says he likes it. I think about it and feel like a cruel bitch. And I can't help but do it. I've tried to sit there holding my tongue and it only works as long as I keep compleate focus, then I lose focus and there goes another rather cutting remark. It isn't the person I've prided myself on being and is scares me. As his roommate points out I could take him. He is the giant teddy bear I want but without the protective side to guard me. He wants a gun but doesn't own one, doesn't have his concealed carry permit. I can walk all over him and he doesn't lift a finger or if he tries I twitch a muscle and that finger is already pinned down. I know I by no means have my life in order the way I want it, but he has 5 years on me and all that he can say he has over me is that he is actually moved out of his parents house. I have the degree, I have the better paying crappy retail job, I have more financial stability than him. But he has a plan, he wants to improve, I have a half concocted scheme and no balls to go along with it. Someone want to toss me a paddle?

Also he sends me this and honestly it adds to my stress of wtf do I do, because words, emotions, pain, all of the feels I don't want to cause are going to come bubbling up to attack.

And these songs are as close as I could find to expressing even half of these emotions right now.