Roar

Third song in  my styling challenge! Roar by Katy Perry. I have probably watched the music video for this song too many times but hey its still awesome! Photo time!

And the music video because I have to share that too!

A Wolf In Sheep's Clothing

Sometimes just when I think my brain is about to drain out my ears my friends catch it and shove it back in and all of a sudden everything becomes clear. I was dating a wolf. I thought there for a few months he was a sheep, but I was sorely mistaken. I am not someone to be used and tossed aside and he showed his teeth tonight. He straight up said that if the relationship had continued he would have just been using me and then continued to offer to keep using me just without the title of his girlfriend. Thanks for thinking of me but no thanks. At this point I am numb. I was sobbing there for a bit. And I was furious that I was crying over him. Now I'm just sitting here laughing because the wool isn't over my eyes anymore and I think after a bit more healing I can finally move on. Anyways I'm over this topic I've exhausted it in my brain, wrapped my head around it and shoved it in time out so I will leave you with my theme song for the night.

Fighter

Second picture taken for the challenge! The song for this picture is Fighter by Christina Aguilera. Whenever I think of fighting for some reason ally-cats come to the forefront of my mind. They are skilled in their craft to survive on the streets and they know how to pull on heartstrings when they need to to get what they want. Plus they are cats they always land on their feet and have the attitude to back themselves up.

And the video in case you don't know the song...

Titanium

So my friend Vasha has given me a challenge to do a pictorial post for 10 songs that have a positive self message. Now if you understand where my self esteem lies this challenge makes total sense to you especially since I rely heavily on others to boost myself up and I need to work on learning how to keep myself up and not let boys and my outer "beauty" effect how I see myself. So the first song that I have completed the assignment for is Titanium by David Guetta. Here is my photo.

Now for those of you that aren't familiar with the song...

I really do love this song and it has been my ringtone for awhile, I just never let to words sink into my skin and give me the message I needed to hear.

What Now?

So I'm back from my vacation and I think I'm more lost now that I was when I left. Luckily I have friends that will pick me up when I'm like this and honestly one of them keeps saying the words that finally strike a chord in my brain and make me realize things. The ones that rang true just now really stand out to me and hopefully will be a good reminder to help me keep going now while I try to re sort my shit out. " I know sometimes you think that those of us who love you say things because we have to. But you might consider that those things are the reasons we love you." For some reason my brain never considered this rewording and I may never have said it aloud, but yeah half the times my friends say stuff I think in my head "yeah your my friend that's the script". Even though if I think about it I say similar things to some of them with the same intent that this friend has. I speak the truth and it gets brushed off like I'm saying it because it's the required script and in reality it isn't it is what I really wanted to say.

So what brings all of this up to the surface right now? The cruise had me seeing both sides of the results of the breakup. The "Fuck why can't I say he is mine anymore?" and the "Maybe this is for the better after all side." Five days in close quarters lets you see many facets of people that you might now see otherwise. But after all of this I still have the feeling of pain that comes form being broken up with, especially when given a reason totally outside of your own control when you thought everything was fine. Well after the cruise on the long drive back I decided to reactivate my profile on the site where I had met my ex. This is going fine for me I have been talking to a few people and am trying to move on and accept the fact that my ex doesn't have the ability to date right now because of his own self so instead of waiting around for him to possibly beg me back I am planning to move on. Then today I go to check my message on the site and his profile shows up in my "recent visitors". Why would a guy who broke up with someone because he needed to work on himself and figure his shit out be back on a dating site? Apparently he reactivated it on a whim to see if it was even still there. Well this lead to me having a slight breakdown tonight in which I ended up confronting him about what the break up has actually done to me. How the pain stems more form the fact that I got "Friend Zoned" and a 10 foot wall built because he got depressed and doesn't want to drag me along when in reality I would rather be there helping to support him instead of trying to reassure him around a wall. Getting "Friend Zoned" because he was no longer attracted to me would probably hurt less because of my personality and how much I CARE about those people I chose to associate with. Even to this day I still care about people that have hurt me so much I want them to burn in hell but that piece of me still hopes they are doing alright and wishes them well.

Anyways, I'm rambling again and am losing this long winded train of thought so I shall wrap this up in a neat little bow. I have awesome friends that tell me how it is even if I try to pretend they are just telling me what I want'need to hear instead of the actual truth. And I got a weight off of my chest with my Ex today telling him exactly how I feel. I want him back, but I know that I can't expect that any time soon and that I won't just go running back to him the moment he tries to tug me back. That was a blow to me that if he didn't realize he would hit that nerve he doesn't know me as well as he should/thought he did. Okay song time.

 And then the one that my uber smart friend I keep quoting picked for me.

Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder

And one of these days I will truly be able to say that I am beautiful and mean it. But for now I am judging a book too much by it's cover and can't get past the cover to tell people how awesome the book that is me really is once you open it up and rifle through the pages. I heart my friend that pointed this out to me last night and how much I rely on other peoples perceptions of me to make me feel self worth. I know I am beautiful on the inside, I at least have a good grasp on that. I love my compassion for others and my intelligence. Though I am starting to question my so called "intelligence" some if I am unable to see that I am beautiful all over. I depend too much on having a guy tell me I am beautiful to think that I am. I don't see the outer beauty of my body hardly at all and I let others get into my head to make me question my inner beauty at times. Here I will quote my epic smart friend "You hold yourself back. You doubt yourself and you hide. And fuck them if they don't appreciate your appearance - nobody asked them. Plenty of people will be happy to be as pleased with your physical presence as you are." She is totally right and putting it down in black and white helps show me what I have to work on because goodness knows I didn't see it clearly before she threw it out in my face like that. Anyways I'm off not to have an adventure... I'm sure that when I come back in about a week there will be more pots and more working myself back into less of a mess, but for now I leave you with this video.

One Foot In Front Of The Other

So I've been keeping busy the past 2 weeks and there is a bit of catching up to do and getting all of my thoughts out of my head. So I am single and I finally got him to come over and TALK to me. This ended in the same story that I was getting in text and continuing to prove that we can have fun and work together well because he started to help me with the puzzle I was working on to keep me moving while I waited for him to get here for the talk. There were no words at first then the flood of tears hit and I got him to tell me that it was 100% him and not me to my face. So that was useful. And I was driving an hour away to work and had to drive by his house to get there. That wasn't fun. That was purely torture, as was the one time I was carpooling up there and instead of taking the route by my Ex's apartment we took the other route, except my ride was literally on the phone with his girlfriend for the hour drive. Oh yeah and he randomly decided that he needed another vacation and thus is currently on a boat doing a five day cruise two weeks before ours. I forgot to mention that when he came over he kept asking to make sure I was going on the cruise with him still because he was really looking forward to going with me. I can't tel if his I need to work on me line is just his excuses to break up with me or if he is really so confused about so many things that he actually needed to take a step back. I miss him. This is hard. We were still talking everyday. Now I get to go cold turkey for 5 days and not talk to him at all then pick it all up and go on a cruise with him in twelve days. I will be cut off form the outside world stuck on a boat with him for FIVE whole days and then the car ride each way which is something like 10 hours if I remember right. Sure I can go get lost on the boat but I still have to come back to the same room as him at the end of the day. But yeah I got that off my chest and now I will share the song that played on the radio tonight at work that started these emotions back to the surface after I had smothered them for as long as I did.

And because this song is what came to mind when trying to title this post...

Okay that is it for tonight I think.

Two Roads Diverged...

And I can't decide between the two. One is the path of non-acceptance, where I tell him that this is not an acceptable decision and that I won't let him go. I want to take this path but I don't want to force myself on him and cause bad feelings down the road. The other is the path where I let him go, and right now my head and my heart say that this isn't acceptable either. This causes such a conflict that I feel hollow when I think about it. The tears won't hardly fall anymore I have become so numb because of this conflict inside myself. So, I think I am going to try to walk this middle ground until it gets to the point that I can't possibly take it anymore. He knows how I feel that I still care and want him back, at least right now, but that I also know I can't force him and I know he needs time to work on himself and figure things out. I am trying to take the friend route but I already don't like the friend zone. But, at least in the friend zone I know I have footing and support. This blows, but at least I'm not a 'Wreaking Ball', and they say "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

I'm Not Okay...I Promise

Well today sucks. What would have been 7 months turned out to be the end. I'm still partially in shock. I was kinda expecting it but after Tuesday I had let myself get my hopes up and then it hit me like a slap in the face today. I still love him. Over the past week I have started to smother those feelings for fear this would happen, but still it is a shock and something I just wasn't prepared for. This hurts and with my vacation I planned with him that I refuse to give up a month away I at least have some time to heal before being stuck in the same room with him on a boat for 5 days but I'm not even sure I will be ready for that. I want to express myself but right now i feel hallow and numb so I can't even do that. All that I know I can easily do right now is sob and try to understand why and even that baffles me. Hopefully I can figure this out in the mean time I have great friends that will check in on me and make sure I haven't done anything stupid while I sit here in my padded cell trying not to let my mind tear apart my world more so than my world has already torn itself apart.

Steady As She Goes

So tonight was not as bad as I expected, but it still didn't do much to help my brain. Everything almost felt normal except where I wasn't letting it, because I was holding myself back because I am scared of getting hurt. Everything feels like it should except I can't help shaking the possibility of me getting hurt so I am refusing to believe that everything is gonna be okay in-case it isn't. I don't know how I SHOULD feel. All I know is that when I let my guard down and got close to him it felt right, I just then freaked out and put my walls up so that I didn't get hurt. I cannot wait until I can have a proper answer either way because I am tired of playing emotional tug of war with myself to keep myself in line and not demand things of him that I shouldn't. Here is to hoping this turmoil I am facing within ends soon.

Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full?

Today I feel hollow and I really cant decide how I feel. I know it is because I have my emotions locked away right now as I try not to jump to conclusions one way or the other with what will happen with my relationship. Still I don't like this feeling and can't quite decide what to do or how to act. I shut down a part of me as I try to wait this out and get through it I just don't like doing that, but at times like this I have to. I have one more day of work then my "date night" with him and I am off for 2 days where I only have to hide my emotions to my parents and they won't be around most of it and then I can busy myself with cleaning and keep myself in a constant state of motion without fear of my emotions causing backlash in some other way at work. Then my Grandma that I haven't seen in I want to say 8 years comes into town and hopefully if things aren't resolved by then I can at least use that as a distraction so that I don't have to hide my emotions because I'm not thinking about them they will just be happening as I spend time with her and don't have time to myself to dwell on what may or may not be. Either way if you are reading this please cross your fingers for me that I can make it through this with my sanity, and that "date night" tomorrow doesn't feel as awkward as I am expecting it to.

Welcome To My Padded Cell

So I've tried this before and it helped, but I fell out of the habit and the memoirs from before don't need to mingle with my problems now; so I made this shiny new outlet to express myself and my feelings, and try to get myself back on an emotionally -stable- track, whatever that is. So let me go ahead and get right to the start of things. Depression sucks and right now I'm knee deep in it. My love life is questionable at the moment, and while I have awesome friends that support me they can't really replace the rock I thought I had that is currently shaking and threatening to dislodge itself from its current position to fall lower on the pile of things important to me. I don't want this and I'm not sure my rock does either but I can't change it only my rock can and Mr. Rock is so confused right now I don't think he entirely knows what he is doing. But enough of putting the cart before the horse or however that saying goes. I know I need to focus on the now and not the "What Ifs" I have good friends that have told me that enough times tonight for it to stick, and I thank them from the bottom of my heart. Without my friends I would have already collapsed into an inconsolable ball in the corner of my cell hissing and screaming at anyone that tried to come near me. Either way I will let one thing carry over and that is the video(s) to match my mood in the posts because sometimes songs explain what I am feeling better than I can.