Steady As She Goes

So tonight was not as bad as I expected, but it still didn't do much to help my brain. Everything almost felt normal except where I wasn't letting it, because I was holding myself back because I am scared of getting hurt. Everything feels like it should except I can't help shaking the possibility of me getting hurt so I am refusing to believe that everything is gonna be okay in-case it isn't. I don't know how I SHOULD feel. All I know is that when I let my guard down and got close to him it felt right, I just then freaked out and put my walls up so that I didn't get hurt. I cannot wait until I can have a proper answer either way because I am tired of playing emotional tug of war with myself to keep myself in line and not demand things of him that I shouldn't. Here is to hoping this turmoil I am facing within ends soon.